It's 4:23 AM and I'm sitting in my kitchen eating cereal because apparently my brain thinks this is the perfect time to have FEELINGS about the fact that I just found another curriculum email in my inbox with the subject line "Transform Your Ministry in 30 Days!" and instead of deleting it like a rational person I actually opened it and now I'm spiral-thinking about whether I should buy it even though I LITERALLY just wrote about not doing this anymore.
Also my laptop is making this weird humming noise that sounds like it's judging me which is probably fair.
The email has a countdown timer because OF COURSE it does. "Only 72 hours left to save 40% on the curriculum that will revolutionize your children's ministry!" and my stupid brain is like "but what if THIS is the one" even though I have a literal graveyard of curricula that promised the exact same thing.
Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself
Marcus (the toilet ark kid from earlier) came up to me after church today and asked if we could just tell more stories like last week when I forgot to prep and we just sat in a circle and I told them about David fighting Goliath with sound effects and let them all take turns being Goliath falling down.
And instead of thinking "oh good, simple works" my brain immediately went "but what if I had a CURRICULUM about David and Goliath with actual slingshots and elaborate Philistine costumes and maybe a giant cardboard Goliath they could knock over"
Which is insane because the version where they just acted it out with zero props had them more engaged than anything I've done all month but somehow I still think MORE STUFF = BETTER MINISTRY.
It's like I have this disease where I can't just let good enough be good enough.
The Shame Spiral at Target Today
So I went to Target this afternoon to buy normal things like toilet paper and coffee and somehow ended up in the school supply section looking at poster board and thinking "this would be perfect for that resurrection lesson I saw on Pinterest."
And then I remembered I don't even HAVE a resurrection lesson planned and it's November but I still stood there for ten minutes calculating how much it would cost to buy enough poster board for my whole class to make life-sized tomb drawings or whatever that Pinterest thing was.
The Target employee probably thought I was having some kind of breakdown standing in aisle 12 muttering about how expensive poster board is and why does everything come in packs that don't match my class size.
Confession Time About the Supply Closet
Okay so I need to tell someone this and my husband already thinks I have a problem so you're getting the truth.
I have been hiding curriculum purchases from him.
Not like major financial deception or anything but when he asks "what did you buy now" I might say "just some supplies for Sunday school" instead of "I spent $127 on a curriculum about the fruits of the spirit that requires me to dress up as different fruits for each lesson."
Yes that is a real thing I bought and yes I had to wear a banana costume to teach about joy which was exactly as mortifying as it sounds.
But in my defense the promotional video made it look like kids would have these profound spiritual breakthroughs while learning about the characteristics of Christian living through interactive fruit-themed experiences.
Spoiler alert: they just kept calling me "banana teacher" for weeks and asking when I was going to dress up like other food.
The volunteer text I got at 11:30 pm
speaking of shame, Jennifer texted me tonight asking if next weeks lesson is "complicated" because her daughter has a soccer tournament and she might need to bring her teenage son to help and quote "he doesn't really do well with anything that requires reading instructions to kids"
which means I need to find something simple enough that a reluctant sixteen year old can figure it out on the spot but engaging enough that my kids don't riot from boredom
and instead of just finding a basic story and calling it good, I immediately started googling "easy prep engaging bible lessons" which led me down a rabbit hole of curriculum websites until I found myself adding a $89 "low prep high impact" lesson series to my cart before I came to my senses and closed the browser
but not before saving the link "just in case"
The thing about church budget meetings
we had budget planning last month and when pastor mike asked about curriculum expenses I may have slightly underestimated how much I spend on "teaching resources"
by slightly I mean I divided the real number by about three and then acted surprised when he said it seemed reasonable
because how do you explain to your lead pastor that you spent church money on a curriculum that required you to transform your classroom into an ancient marketplace complete with "authentic biblical era vendors" (aka volunteers in bedsheets) selling plastic fruit to teach about Jesus clearing the temple
or the one where every lesson involved elaborate puppet shows and I had to learn ventriloquism via YouTube tutorials that mostly just taught me how to make my voice sound creepy
Middle of the night shopping cart analysis
so I just logged into that curriculum website again (I KNOW, I KNOW) and apparently I have 47 items in my saved cart spanning back two years
reading through them now is like looking at archaeological layers of my ministry anxiety.
- "Dynamic Storytelling for Maximum Engagement" (never bought, probably because it cost $200)
- "Biblical Science Experiments That Work Every Time" (definitely doesn't work every time based on reviews I read later)
- "Classroom Management Through Christ-Centered Activities" (because apparently I thought curriculum could solve my discipline problems)
- "Interactive Prayer Experiences for Young Hearts" (requires supplies I've never heard of)
its like a museum of my desperation to find the magic solution that will make me feel competent
The conference trauma flashback
oh god I just remembered the conference where they showcased that incredible VBS program with the elaborate sets and professional costumes and choreographed musical numbers
and afterwards I cornered the presenter to ask how they managed it all and she was like "oh we have a full time children's pastor, two part time assistants, and a volunteer coordinator plus about thirty regular volunteers and our annual children's ministry budget is $15,000"
while I'm standing there representing a church where our entire yearly supply budget is maybe $800 and my "volunteer team" is three people including me
but instead of thinking "wow our situations are completely different" I thought "I need to find curriculum that will help us create that same impact with our resources"
which is how I ended up buying a scaled-down version of their program that still required more volunteers, supplies, and setup time than we could possibly manage
Why am I like this though
I think the real problem is I want these kids to have amazing experiences that stick with them forever and sometimes I panic that just telling bible stories with construction paper crafts isn't enough
like what if they grow up and remember children's ministry as boring? what if they associate church with mediocre programming and walk away because we didn't make it exciting enough?
so then I see curricula promising "unforgettable faith experiences" and "ministry moments that last a lifetime" and I think maybe THATS what I'm missing, maybe other kids pastors know something I don't
but the truth is the moments kids remember probably aren't the elaborate activities anyway. they're probably things like when Tommy had a meltdown and I sat with him until he felt better, or when Sarah told me about her parents fighting and we prayed together, or when Marcus made up his own ending to the Jonah story where the whale and Jonah became best friends
none of that required special curriculum or fancy supplies. it just required being present with them.
the resolution I'm definitely going to break
its 5:17 am now and I can hear birds starting to wake up which means I should probably try to sleep for like two hours before I have to get ready for work
but first I'm going to do something dramatic: I'm going to unsubscribe from every curriculum company email list
right now. while I have the courage.
opens email
okay done. unsubscribed from 23 different companies which explains why my inbox is constantly full of "limited time offers" and "breakthrough teaching methods"
now I'm going to delete all my saved items from shopping carts and bookmarks to curriculum websites
deletes things
this feels weirdly liberating like cleaning out a closet full of clothes that never fit right
and I'm going to make a rule: no curriculum purchases for six months. if I survive six months of just using basic supplies and bible stories I already know, maybe I'll have proven to myself that simple actually works
will I stick to this? probably not. I'll probably see something shiny at the next conference and convince myself its different
but maybe having it written down at 5:23 am will remind future me that elaborate curricula are just expensive ways to avoid trusting that gods word and genuine care for kids is enough
okay NOW I'm going to sleep and try not to think about that countdown timer email that's probably still sitting in my inbox
(but what if the 40% off really IS a good deal...)
NO. sleeping. not thinking about curriculum. just sleeping.
birds are definitely awake now which means I definitely messed up my sleep schedule but maybe tomorrow I'll be too tired to make any impulsive ministry purchases
that's probably the best defense against my own bad decisions at this point
