Can't sleep again. Keep thinking about what happened Sunday and how badly I messed up and whether I should just quit before I damage any more kids.
Sarah texted me today asking if we're still doing missions month and I almost threw my phone across the room because HOW do I explain that I accidentally taught her daughter that missionaries go save poor brown people who don't know better.
What Actually Happened Sunday (The Version I Didn't Post on Instagram)
Set up these stupid stations around the room labeled with continents because apparently my brain thinks geography works like Risk the board game.
Station 1: "Africa" with playdoh huts because that's definitely not problematic at all. Station 2: "Asia" with chopsticks and rice because why not lean into every stereotype possible. Station 3: "South America" where I butchered some Spanish song I found on YouTube.
Tommy builds his playdoh hut and goes "missionaries must be really brave to live with poor people who don't have real houses."
And I. Said. Nothing.
Just nodded like he'd made some profound observation instead of basically calling entire continents primitive.
Emma at the Asia station asking why "they" don't just use forks "like normal people" and learn English "so missionaries don't have to learn weird languages."
Again I said NOTHING helpful just mumbled something about cultural differences.
By South America station I was internally screaming but kept going because what else do you do when you're mid-disaster.
The Phone Call That Destroyed Me
Called Maria last night (actual missionary in Guatemala, unlike me pretending to understand missions from my suburban church basement).
Told her what happened and she was quiet for so long I thought the call dropped.
Then she says "honey you just taught those babies that God prefers white American kids and brown kids need fixing."
Started ugly crying right there because YES that's exactly what I did and I hate myself for it.
Maria says this happens constantly in American churches. We accidentally teach missions as charity instead of relationship. Present other cultures as problems to solve instead of communities to learn from.
"Your kids now think missionaries are heroes saving helpless foreigners instead of regular people building friendships across cultures."
Things I Should Have Said But Was Too Clueless to Think Of
When Tommy called African houses "not real" I should have explained how different climates need different building materials and shown him pictures of Lagos or Nairobi or Cape Town.
When Emma called other languages "weird" I should have talked about how beautiful it is that God made thousands of languages and missionaries learn them because they want to build real friendships not because English is superior.
But no I was focused on my lesson plan timeline instead of actually teaching truth.
The Real Problem With Everything I've Been Doing
Been showing missionaries like white savior superheroes instead of regular Christians who happen to work across cultures.
Always pictures of Americans hugging orphans never pictures of Americans learning from local pastors or being invited to birthday parties or struggling to understand inside jokes.
Talk about "unreached people groups" like they're exotic specimens instead of regular families who love their kids and worry about money and laugh at funny movies.
Present missions like Americans bringing God to godless places instead of discovering how God is already working everywhere.
No wonder my kids think we're superior and "they" need our help.
What Maria Told Me That Made Everything Worse
Said the Guatemalan church has taught HER more about faith than she ever taught them.
That she went thinking she'd change lives but got her life changed instead.
That real missionary stories aren't about brave Americans rescuing poor foreigners but about regular people learning to love across differences.
But none of that shows up in my Pinterest-worthy Sunday school lessons about heroic missionaries helping sad brown children.
How I Have to Fix This Mess Now
Sunday I'm apologizing to my kids. Telling them I taught some wrong things about missions and we need to learn better together.
Then focusing on ONE family - the Rodriguezes in Peru who our church actually supports.
Not because they're poor and desperate but because they're our family doing ministry in their community.
Showing pictures of Pastor Rodriguez teaching Bible study, Mrs. Rodriguez running her sewing cooperative, their kids playing soccer and doing homework.
Normal people living normal lives while serving God right where they are.
Praying for them like we pray for our own pastor - for wisdom and health and joy in ministry.
Not pity prayers but family prayers.
What I Should Have Been Teaching All Along But Was Too Ignorant to Realize
God loves every kid in every country exactly the same amount.
Missions isn't superior people helping inferior people.
It's God's family sharing good news with family members who haven't heard yet.
Sometimes Americans go other places sometimes people from other places come here.
All just regular people who said yes when God asked them to love people somewhere new.
Goal isn't making everyone American or English speaking.
Goal is helping everyone know they're loved by God exactly as they are where they are.
Sitting Here at 3:43 AM Realizing How Much Damage I Might Have Done
Been teaching about missions for THREE YEARS without understanding missions myself.
Just repeating stuff from conferences and newsletters without thinking about what I'm actually putting in these kids' heads.
That's terrifying.
Tommy probably goes home thinking missionaries are like superheroes helping primitive people learn civilization.
Emma probably thinks English is God's preferred language and other cultures are weird obstacles to overcome.
How many other kids have I accidentally turned into tiny cultural supremacists.
How many Sunday school lessons have I taught while focused on looking competent instead of telling truth.
Probably more than I want to count.
The Thing That's Keeping Me Awake
What if I can't fix this.
What if the damage is already done and these kids grow up thinking American Christianity is the gold standard and everyone else is a missions project.
What if they never learn that God's kingdom is bigger and more beautiful and more diverse than anything they could imagine.
What if they think loving people means making them more like us instead of learning from them.
Going to try to sleep now but probably won't.
Have to figure out how to undo three years of terrible teaching in one Sunday morning.
Pray for me and for all the missionary families who probably cringe when they hear how their work gets presented in American churches by people like me who mean well but understand nothing.
