Its 4:23 AM and I'm sitting in my bathtub fully clothed eating animal crackers because apparently when you accidentally teach children that salvation works like elimination TV your brain demands circus-shaped carbs and porcelain confinement.
My cat is staring at me through the bathroom door like I've completely lost it which honestly is accurate since I spent yesterday watching eight year old's develop PTSD about weather patterns because I made Noah's flood into dodgeball.
Today I thought id revolutionize Sunday school through gamification and somehow ended up with Marcus asking his mom if God gets bored and decides to play target practice with neighborhoods using tornadoes.
How do you explain to a parent that you accidentally taught their child that the Creator of the universe has recreational homicide tendencies?
When my innovative game design became a horror show
So yesterday I'm feeling brilliant about interactive biblical education when I create this elaborate ark boarding game where kids have to complete challenges to earn their survival tickets.
Seemed genius until sweet Emma gets eliminated and starts sobbing hysterically because she thinks God personally selected her for drowning while everyone watches.
Then Tyler goes "so like hurricanes are just God playing water balloon fights with people he doesn't like anymore?"
Suddenly I'm watching fifteen children realize they live in constant danger of divine elimination rounds and I wanted to crawl inside our cardboard boat and disappear forever.
My complete catalog of theological trauma
This isn't my first biblical gaming disaster I've been systematically destroying children's faith for months:
Six weeks ago: Created David Goliath slingshot tournament with bean bags and cardboard giant perfect until Connor told his therapist that church taught him God helps you murder enemies if you pray while aiming
Two months ago: Designed Red Sea parkour course where kids escape before I collapse pool noodles on Egyptians disaster when Sophie refuses swimming lessons because she thinks God drowns people recreationally
Last month: Made feeding five thousand hoarding simulation with goldfish crackers backfired when kids started hiding food at home because they learned Jesus only shares if you're literally starving to death
Three months ago: Invented musical chairs for ten virgins parable complete chaos when eliminated kids had panic attacks thinking Jesus locks people out of heaven for being slow
Every single game has made Bible stories more terrifying instead of more engaging
The plague experience that ended my career
Five months ago I achieved peak insanity by creating interactive ten plagues adventure where kids unleash gods wrath on cardboard Egypt like some demented biblical video game
Set up stations with rubber frogs red water toy locusts darkness tunnels thinking this would teach them about gods power in liberation
Within seven minutes it became complete anarchy
Kids screaming plague attack while weaponizing plastic animals Tommy crowning himself pharaoh and enslaving other children Emma having breakdown because she thinks God stays permanently furious about everything
The absolute worst moment when precious Hannah went home and asked her grandmother if God was planning to send insects to devour their dog because they forgot to say grace at dinner
I accidentally convinced children that God is basically a psychotic game designer who creates elaborate torture scenarios for entertainment
The midnight phone call that destroyed my remaining friends
Sunday at 1:47 AM I called my mentor Patricia who's somehow taught bible stories for forty years without creating childhood trauma
"Patricia emergency I think I taught kids that God operates cosmic elimination games and now they think natural disasters are his recreational activities help me"
"Jessica what have you DONE"
"I was implementing experiential learning through immersive biblical gaming simulations"
"Baby these children don't need scripture to feel like horror films they need scripture to feel like love songs from heaven"
"But ancient stories are boring without interactive engagement mechanics"
"Maybe the problem isn't that gods word is boring maybe the problem is you're turning it into nightmare fuel"
She hung up on me and changed her number the next day
The parent conference that shattered everything
Yesterday Tyler's parents demanded emergency meeting with pastor mike
"Jessica tyler's been having disturbing thoughts about God lately he thinks earthquakes are God playing Jenga with cities and wonders if our family needs survival training for when God gets bored and starts elimination rounds he also wears a bike helmet constantly because he believes hail is God practicing marksmanship what exactly are you teaching these kids because this seems deeply problematic"
I wanted to dissolve into the church carpet and become part of the flooring permanently
How do you tell parents you gave their seven year old meteorological anxiety through biblical education
The email that made me google witness protection programs
Wednesday morning I received this from Emma's mother
"Jessica Emma has developed severe hydrophobia because she believes any water contact means God decided to flood our house for entertainment she refuses bathing without flotation devices and built ark prototypes throughout her bedroom using furniture she asked if we could relocate to mars where God cant reach us with weather weapons please explain your curriculum because our daughter thinks the creator designed recreational drowning games"
I ate this email after reading it because somehow paper consumption felt more manageable than acknowledging I taught a six year old that God enjoys aquatic warfare
The Sunday that accidentally fixed everything
Four weeks ago I was having complete mental breakdown and forgot all my elaborate death simulations so I just sat cross legged and told kids about Jesus calming the storm
No elimination mechanics no survival challenges no activities where children get attacked or drowned by anything
Just simple story of frightened people in boat and Jesus making everything peaceful and safe
Something incredible happened absolute silence total attention
Kids asked real questions "were they actually scared" "how did Jesus stop the weather" "does Jesus still help when were afraid"
We discussed how Jesus cares when we feel frightened and wants to comfort us and children connected because fear and wanting protection are emotions they actually experience
Not because they got to throw foam disasters at each other
Sitting in this bathtub at 5:06 AM understanding my failures
I've been so desperate to make bible stories exciting that I forgot they're supposed to be healing
When I turn biblical narratives into battle royale experiences kids remember violence instead of gods character
When I make scripture feel like survival horror children associate God with terror instead of comfort
When I force ancient love stories to sound like elimination tournaments I'm teaching kids that divine truth only matters if someone gets destroyed
These innocent babies don't need bible stories to be frightening competitive experiences they need bible stories to reveal a God who would die protecting them
What I'm attempting next week if they don't fire me
Just telling bible stories like they're the most beautiful true narratives about unconditional love anyone could hear
No games turning gods mercy into competition no activities making divine care feel dangerous no elimination systems teaching kids to fear the God who wants to hold them safe
Just "this actually happened and shows how desperately God loves you and wants beautiful things for your existence"
If they have questions about scary bible parts well discuss them honestly within context of gods protection if they need comfort about frightening concepts well provide it
But I'm finished turning sacred salvation stories into entertainment accidentally teaching children to be terrified of the God who actually wants to sing lullabies and promise them eternal safety
Maybe the best way to reinforce bible lessons isn't through games at all maybe its helping kids discover every story reveals how impossibly far God will travel to love and protect them
The animal crackers are gone but I'm still hiding in this tub because apparently processing ministry disasters requires enclosed spaces and snacks shaped like innocent creatures
Time to emerge and undo months of accidentally teaching kids that gods primary characteristic is enjoying recreational violence instead of offering limitless tender protection
